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How to Teach a Middle School Class in 49 Easy Steps

1. Write a lesson plan.

2. Gather materials.

3. Write your agenda on the board.

4. Stand at the door to greet students in the hallway.

5. Run back inside because you hear a student screaming.

6. Trap cockroach under plastic cup and put a book on it. Make mental note to figure out what to do about cockroach later.

7. Go back in hallway to greet students.

8. Tell student to stop running

9. Run down hallway unironically to catch and punish student running student.

10. Walk back to classroom with hands on head, inhaling deeply.

11. Go inside classroom when bell rings.

12. Begin to talk to class about today’s plan.

13. Stop mid-sentence to write down the names of two tardy students who walk in the door on a Post-It note.

14. Ask reliable student what you were talking about before you lost your train of thought.

15. Continue with your debrief and move on to warm-up.

16. While students are doing warm-up, log in to online attendance to mark students tardy.

17. Attempt to find the Post-It note among the 1,205,281 Post-Its currently on your desk.

18. Go over the warm-up with students.

19. Tell student “RYAN, DON’T TAKE THAT BOOK OFF THAT CUP.”

20. Begin modeling new concept under document camera projected on the board.

21. Field student questions and comments, including, “Why don’t you ever paint your nails?” and “YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST!” and “Who farted?”

22. Have students try sample problems independently.

23. While students are working, glance at email and see several red exclamation point emails.

24. Cry a little inside.

25. Go over answers.

26. Realize that 11 of your 35 students aren’t showing mastery and have them move to the front to work on some other problems with you.

27. Assign independent work to remaining students.

28. Alternate between teaching your small group, answering questions from big group, and reminding big group to be working quietly 8,391 times.

29. Send student to bathroom because you’re out of Kleenex.

30. Tell student to use Scotch tape because you’re out of Band-Aids.

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